Logline: Action star Nicolas Cage turns his production studio, NICOLAS CAGE FILMS, into a drug trafficking center.
Pitch: Hollywood legend Nicolas Cage sells drugs out of his production studio, NICOLAS CAGE FILMS, which is located at 3451 La Cienega Blvd, Hollywood, CA 90036. Wink.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Bad News Panda Bears
Logline: A disgraced baseball player heads to China to help a little league team win the number one gold.
Pitch: Johnny Chuggers has been kicked out of the MLB for one too many failed drug tests. So what does he do? He heads to China to help coach a down and out little league team! Through hard work, perseverance, and a lot of amphetamines, Johnny teaches those little scamps how to become the best damn little league team in mainland China (fuck, those Taiwanese little league teams are good as shit). Can they win the gold at the National Chinese Glorious Worker's Party Youth 12-16 Age Range Baseball Championships?
Pitch: Johnny Chuggers has been kicked out of the MLB for one too many failed drug tests. So what does he do? He heads to China to help coach a down and out little league team! Through hard work, perseverance, and a lot of amphetamines, Johnny teaches those little scamps how to become the best damn little league team in mainland China (fuck, those Taiwanese little league teams are good as shit). Can they win the gold at the National Chinese Glorious Worker's Party Youth 12-16 Age Range Baseball Championships?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Deep Black Space
Title: Deep Black Space
Logline: Captain Chuck Buffman must save the lives of his crew when
his space station is attacked by space sharks.
Pitch: Space sharks. Seriously.
Logline: Captain Chuck Buffman must save the lives of his crew when
his space station is attacked by space sharks.
Pitch: Space sharks. Seriously.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Cagematch!
Title: Cagematch!
Logline: Action hero Nic Cage wanders around the world
kicking ass and taking names.
Pitch: This one my friends, cannot lose. You take me, Nic Cage,
one of the most bankable action stars known to mankind (and might
I add, womankind) and you turn me loose. Bam, $100 million
opening weekend. This'll make Avatar look like shit on a stick.
I mean, I'll do anything. Want me to drive a gas truck into a
fireworks factory? Easy. Dress up like an Incan ghost, break
into the president of Spain's mansion and demand our gold back?
No problemo. Paint myself blue and punch out James Cameron at the
Oscars? Was already planning on it. Snort coke off of Mickey
Rourke's cock? Already got the footage. As you can see hombres,
the possibilities, well, they're endless.
Logline: Action hero Nic Cage wanders around the world
kicking ass and taking names.
Pitch: This one my friends, cannot lose. You take me, Nic Cage,
one of the most bankable action stars known to mankind (and might
I add, womankind) and you turn me loose. Bam, $100 million
opening weekend. This'll make Avatar look like shit on a stick.
I mean, I'll do anything. Want me to drive a gas truck into a
fireworks factory? Easy. Dress up like an Incan ghost, break
into the president of Spain's mansion and demand our gold back?
No problemo. Paint myself blue and punch out James Cameron at the
Oscars? Was already planning on it. Snort coke off of Mickey
Rourke's cock? Already got the footage. As you can see hombres,
the possibilities, well, they're endless.
Triple Threat
Title: Triple Threat
Logline: Scientist/former special forces agent Mick Strong must
travel back in time to collect two other versions of himself so
the three can stop an impending alien invasion.
Pitch: Near future. Genius scientist Mick Strong, a modern
jack-of-all-trades is taking a break from working on his time
machine to check out that big universe of ours, just wondering
what could be out there. All of a sudden, his radio flares up:
he's receiving a transmission! He sticks it in his decoder and
is soon horrified by what he discovers. Not only is there other
life out there among the stars, but it's heading this way, and
it's PISSED! So Mick heads to the government, but those
dick-stuffed mongoloids won't listen. So what does our man Mick
do? He decides he'll just have to stop them himself. But he
can't do it alone. So Mick fires up his experimental time machine
and hops back to collect two more versions of himself. First up
is Mick 2, the nerdy scientist. This is the Mick who's become
disillusioned with the special forces and spends all his time
researching, before he has his life epiphany and becomes our modern
day man of the world. Next up is Mick 3, the brash young special
forces agent who's just there to kick ass and chew bubble gum.
The only problem is HE'S ALL OUT OF GUM! I think you know what
that means! So Mick^3 comes back to modern day to put the stomp
on these alien assholes before they can take over the Earth. I'm
pretty sure we all know the question isn't "will they save the
day?" but "how many of those universe hopping motherfuckers are
they going to kill?"
Logline: Scientist/former special forces agent Mick Strong must
travel back in time to collect two other versions of himself so
the three can stop an impending alien invasion.
Pitch: Near future. Genius scientist Mick Strong, a modern
jack-of-all-trades is taking a break from working on his time
machine to check out that big universe of ours, just wondering
what could be out there. All of a sudden, his radio flares up:
he's receiving a transmission! He sticks it in his decoder and
is soon horrified by what he discovers. Not only is there other
life out there among the stars, but it's heading this way, and
it's PISSED! So Mick heads to the government, but those
dick-stuffed mongoloids won't listen. So what does our man Mick
do? He decides he'll just have to stop them himself. But he
can't do it alone. So Mick fires up his experimental time machine
and hops back to collect two more versions of himself. First up
is Mick 2, the nerdy scientist. This is the Mick who's become
disillusioned with the special forces and spends all his time
researching, before he has his life epiphany and becomes our modern
day man of the world. Next up is Mick 3, the brash young special
forces agent who's just there to kick ass and chew bubble gum.
The only problem is HE'S ALL OUT OF GUM! I think you know what
that means! So Mick^3 comes back to modern day to put the stomp
on these alien assholes before they can take over the Earth. I'm
pretty sure we all know the question isn't "will they save the
day?" but "how many of those universe hopping motherfuckers are
they going to kill?"
2013
Title: 2013
Logline: After the Earth explodes into chunks, NASA scientist
Dirk Winterbottom must travel from chunk to chunk saving members
of his extended family.
Pitch: Now I know you're saying, wait a minute, wasn't there a
2012? Is this some kind of sequel? Well I will respond, no,
this isn't some lame sequel to that bullshit John Cusack movie.
See here's the deal, the Earth doesn't end in 2012 because THE
MAYANS WERE ONE YEAR OFF! So 2012 comes and goes, everybody
breathes a sigh of relief, right? Our main man Dirk Winterbottom
is a NASA scientist working on a top secret space shuttle. He's
so dedicated to his job that he decides to pass up Thanksgiving
dinner with his extended family to put the finishing touches on
his ship. But then, all of a sudden, at 6:36 P.M. on Thursday,
November 28th 2013...
BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EARTH EXPLODES MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
WHOO!!!
THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!!!
And where, pray tell, is the epicenter of this explosion? Why
it's at Dirk's cousin's house, where his family is having
Thanksgiving dinner! So the Earth explodes into 12 separate
chunks, and it's up to Dirk to use his just completed super secret
spaceship to travel from chunk to chunk saving his family. The
first family member he saves? His catty ex-wife Kathy! So Dirk
and Kathy travel to the other chunks, but there's a catch. See,
turns out the Earth's core was highly irradiated, and when it
exploded it mutated each chunk that came out. So Dirk and Kathy
have to navigate 11 treachourous worlds to save the day. They'll
fight Jaguarmen on Jungleworld, Giant Yetis on Snowworld, Lavamen
on Lavaworld, and that's just a taste of the adventures they'll
have. How does it end? You'll just have to make it into a movie
to find out!
Logline: After the Earth explodes into chunks, NASA scientist
Dirk Winterbottom must travel from chunk to chunk saving members
of his extended family.
Pitch: Now I know you're saying, wait a minute, wasn't there a
2012? Is this some kind of sequel? Well I will respond, no,
this isn't some lame sequel to that bullshit John Cusack movie.
See here's the deal, the Earth doesn't end in 2012 because THE
MAYANS WERE ONE YEAR OFF! So 2012 comes and goes, everybody
breathes a sigh of relief, right? Our main man Dirk Winterbottom
is a NASA scientist working on a top secret space shuttle. He's
so dedicated to his job that he decides to pass up Thanksgiving
dinner with his extended family to put the finishing touches on
his ship. But then, all of a sudden, at 6:36 P.M. on Thursday,
November 28th 2013...
BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EARTH EXPLODES MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
WHOO!!!
THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!!!
And where, pray tell, is the epicenter of this explosion? Why
it's at Dirk's cousin's house, where his family is having
Thanksgiving dinner! So the Earth explodes into 12 separate
chunks, and it's up to Dirk to use his just completed super secret
spaceship to travel from chunk to chunk saving his family. The
first family member he saves? His catty ex-wife Kathy! So Dirk
and Kathy travel to the other chunks, but there's a catch. See,
turns out the Earth's core was highly irradiated, and when it
exploded it mutated each chunk that came out. So Dirk and Kathy
have to navigate 11 treachourous worlds to save the day. They'll
fight Jaguarmen on Jungleworld, Giant Yetis on Snowworld, Lavamen
on Lavaworld, and that's just a taste of the adventures they'll
have. How does it end? You'll just have to make it into a movie
to find out!
Greetings and Salutations
Hola amigos, the Cageman here. Got some pitches for you. Now I
know you're saying "hey Nic, why you bringing your genius to all
us little people when all the studio heads can barely talk cause
they've got your balls stuffed in their mouths?" Well, turns out
the Cageman is a little excommunicado on the pitch front right now.
Those limp dick studio heads can't see the the genius that is
"Garfield: Third Cat's the Charm." Turns out cat-on-cat rape is
too edgy for those cock goblins. Well their loss is your collective
gain friends and friendettes. Enjoy.
Oh yeah, and I just need to toss out that I'm also doing this as a favor to my good friend Dru Johnston, who I might add does a wicked impression of me.
know you're saying "hey Nic, why you bringing your genius to all
us little people when all the studio heads can barely talk cause
they've got your balls stuffed in their mouths?" Well, turns out
the Cageman is a little excommunicado on the pitch front right now.
Those limp dick studio heads can't see the the genius that is
"Garfield: Third Cat's the Charm." Turns out cat-on-cat rape is
too edgy for those cock goblins. Well their loss is your collective
gain friends and friendettes. Enjoy.
Oh yeah, and I just need to toss out that I'm also doing this as a favor to my good friend Dru Johnston, who I might add does a wicked impression of me.
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